The Sting

The Sting

All this loss within a month time.
I felt numb. I was shocked.
I've cried and cried- looking at my mom with her life support.
I saw my uncle, boisterous but then he too passed.
I fed my puppy and then all of the sudden, life abandoned her.
In a blink, the accident and death of my student.
The sting and the wrenching pain,
All four, one after the other.
Deep down I cannot fathom;
Life is but short.


 

The Language

I have been confused these past years. I was literally at loss for words. I have been swayed like a shrimp in the sea, tossed here and there with the different languages that I’ve heard and mastered. Then the ultimate question came one day… what is my heart’s language? I mean the heart language that I can communicate with the intimacy as well as respect to one dear being, to God. As a child, I’ve prayed in Chinese. So my Chinese prayers have terms that define my reverence and submissive spirit.  It would seem that I have inherited the formality of prayer in the Chinese language. Then I started feeling comfortable with a bit of Filipino in my prayers and Bible reading as a young adult.  Filipino is the language that I used to converse, it is a “street” language where I can easily express the joy and sorrow in my heart. It is the language that I speak and joke around with my good friends. So addressing God in Filipino is using a language that seems to express the vulnerability of my heart. Then I switched to English when I moved abroad. It is the language that I read with and compose with the most. It was in schools and academic writing that I’ve fluently mastered this language.

Now in the prime of my life, few days before I reach the 40 status quo, I am still learning another language that would eventually shape my identity.  I do feel that I’m in this cocoon where I will emerge, although, it does escape me as to what I will become. Yet the search remained crucial: how do I speak my heart to God?  My greatest consolation is that, God will understand the slightest sigh that I’ve made in any languages.

The Riddle of Love

 This week the riddle of love began. It started out at the beginning of February when Ahmad celebrated his birthday. Our friends gave him a surprise party. Oh, what a surprise it was for him, to have his friends and family surround him on his birthday. I’m pretty sure he felt special. He was speechless for a minute or two. Unlike me, birthdays in Ahmad’s family is not a big deal. Some years, it just passed without the celebrant noticing that it’s his birthday. Even his mother does not remember any of her children’s birthday nor her own birthday. Understandably, there is no calendar for her to go by.  

Then the ripple of love goes on. Ahmad called me on Sunday morning, checking out with me if we could visit his nephew that night. It was his birthday after all. So, we visited his nephew on his 27^th birthday. We brought a special dinner of grilled chicken, meat and kebab! We had some yogurt and eggplant salad. We brought the sweets “Kinafa” instead of a cake for a contextualized party. Most of all we spend some leisure time with him and his family.

 Every year, I wanted a special birthday too… not necessarily a party. Just the feeling of being loved and thought of on that certain day called a birthday. Of course, I was miserable in my expectations in the early years of our marriage. It was not normal for him to remember. So he made sure that it was in his cellphone reminder.

So  this song just kept playing it’s happy tune in my heart. It goes like, “Show it, share it and give it away. Love will come back to surprise you someday. ‘Cause the love that you give always goes while it’s gone. And the riddle of love goes on and on.”   

365 Days

For 365 days you have been faithful
To guard me against lustful eyes, strangers and fools
I was perplexed, anguished and ungrateful
Those days seemed to be somewhat awful

I felt my wings were clipped and trimmed
As I found myself under your watchful whim
Alone I could not explore, slow down nor scheme
You were like a black shadow looming my dream

You tell me what to do and direct me where to go
You approve how I dress: sometimes ‘yes’, oftentimes ‘no’
You instruct what is appropriate and what I need to let go
I resented that my life is built like a “Lego”

For 365 days you have protected your wife with care
You are a driver, a bodyguard and a husband beyond compare
Perhaps your anxiety is more than I can bear
But dear husband, your love is a gem so rare.

To Future and Beyond

To the future and beyond
Clarity of mind despite the glaring sun
A vision to hold, a territory to roam
A joy and laughter to fill the empty room

To the future and beyond
Faith- to step into the days unknown
Hope- to fulfil even the smallest role
Charity- to give my best to all

A teachable heart to receive from people
A resilient spirit to endure and fight the foe
A bare soul that would always run
To the Creator, to the future and beyond

A reckless song as the wind continues to blow
Friends and loved ones to share my highs and lows
The journey continues on the 37th station road
Soar anew to the future and beyond.

Rice Rolled in Grape Leaves: "Dawali"

Step 1: Pick young tender grape leaves in Spring.

Step 2: Boil meat, either lamb or chicken. Season with salt and pepper.
Step 3: Mix rice, minced tomotoes, minced mint leaves, olives oil, tumeric, salt, pepper and minced garlic. Step 2 may be omitted if minced meat is mixed with the rice.
Step 4: Prepare grape leaves by blanching or boiling them for few minutes to make it easy to roll. Discard water.

Step 5:
Put a teaspoon of rice over the center of the leaf. Roll up and then gather the two sides to the center and then roll completely. Caution: this will test your patience!

Step 6: Place the rice rolls above the meat. Simmer with meat broth for one hour or until rice is cooked. Grape leaves have natural acidity. Season with lemon salt (citric acid) if desired.

A REAL TREAT!!!

A LABOR OF LOVE!

ZAKEE (Delicious)

Village Life

“I want much more than this provincial life…I want adventure in the great wide somewhere…” I sang my heart out with Belle in the movie, “Beauty and the Beast”. Never had I realized that I will have a heart warming adventure in my husband’s tribal village. Two kilometers away from a public school, almost everyone in the vicinity is related to each other.

Life in the village is like living in a close-knit community. Whenever one lacks anything, whether a hardware tool or a cooking ingredient, they don’t hesitate to come to ask their neighbor for it. Yes, I know how upset I felt when someone asked me for eggs, milk, juice, salt, rice, dishwashing liquid, disinfectant and many others to mention. Many times, it honestly unnerved me. Well, you have to know that there is only one store nearby. The other one is 2 km away.

My neighbor is a hard worker, a Jack of all trade so to speak. He borrowed our wood glue and tools several times. After his regular job, he would be seen responding to help people. I saw him the other day pruning our neighbor’s grapevine; then he came by our backyard and started pruning our grapevine! It so amazed me to see him willingly give himself in service to the community. My other neighbor has been serving my old parent-in-laws by carrying drinking water from the well. My sister in law would come to clean the house. I would occasionally receive a plate of dawali (rice rolled in grape leaves), malfuf (rice rolled in cabbage) or homemade Arabic bread. I am so overwhelmed in my heart.

Every now and then, my husband will get a call after work. Sometimes, I am nervous when the phone rings because I am dreading what favor would be asked of us. Simply tired, I wanted and needed my husband to be with me at the end of the day… or even on our day off. Well, it could be anything from someone who is sick or passed the tawgihi (college entrance test), or simply someone who needed a transportation. You see, public transportation is available twice or thrice a day. Therefore, life in the village is like living in an extended family. When they needed us, we hesitate to say no. Indeed, it was an opportunity to help someone. But sometimes, we wished there is no mobile phone. Tsk.tsk… Truly, we give ourselves most when we are giving inspite of our inconvenience.

I was a recipient of community life last Saturday. Alas, I felt sorry that I have to bother my husband’s nephew in the middle of the day. No matter if he is home; after all, it is his day-off. I do felt like I was imposing myself. I was ashamed. But I couldn’t find public transportation myself. So he had made a 15 km drive for me to reach my destination. Now I understand what is it like.

As my 23rd month in the village life unfolds, I guess I am starting to get a grip of what community life is all about. We have lived in a private and cloistered life- nothing is wrong with that. Yet, it is a closed lifestyle where people only come on an appointment; when we received and prepared for them. When we lacked, we sucked it out because we don’t want to demand from someone. Life in the village is like an open space for people to come and go. Indeed, it is a space where people come and visit in the news of even the slightest illness. Or for any event to say congratulations: when someone leave and comes from Hajj; or whenever someone passed the high school exams, or whenever someone bought a car, then people will come. They will flock over like swarming bees. They will never leave you alone, in sickness or health. Well, that is the meaning of a community; it is a life of give and take.

Perhaps, there is more beauty in this provincial life.

Nemo and the Sharks, The Parable of Nemo II

Nemo entered the school with excitement. At last, this is a place that he is comfortable in. After all, he had spent all his life in school. How could this school in the ocean be any different from the aquariums’? He is confident that he will find his way around the school.
Nemo is dead wrong. Little did he know that he is in the SSSS meaning Shrewd Smiling Sharks’ School. Sharkies have strong personalities. They say what they think and get what they want. They are aggressive and clever. Early on in these young sharkies mind, they were taught by adult sharks to fend for themselves; to attack first or else they will be attacked. This ‘attack mode’ which is supposedly to protect self became a powerful shield to blind the self as well. If one is not careful, he will point at the fault of others without seeing his own. In the end, personal introspection is denied and blaming someone else will be the norm. To be tough is popular while to be gentle is unheard of . This is an insight to the S.S.S.S. Note that these sharkies are friendly, smart and smiling sharks. It just happened that they have been trained in a certain way to survive the life in the ocean. Nonetheless, little sharkies seemed to loom too big for Nemo.
You see, Nemo doesn’t know how to assert himself. He is usually timid and soft spoken. Amidst the sharkies, Nemo felt so small and insecure. He is so cautious and scared of being attacked without reason. In order to cope in the SSSS, Nemo has to be stronger than usual: to assert for his rights, to speak up (and speak out loud) and to ‘jump for the kill or else he will be killed’ syndrome. In his first six weeks of school, Nemo felt drained and heavily laden in keeping up with the SSSS.

The Parable of Nemo

The Shell That Nemo Never Had

Nemo lives among strange creatures. He has just moved from his aquarium to the ocean. In his new neighbourhood, majority of the sea creatures are the turtles. They are strong swimmers, herbivorous and adorn themselves with black shells. Nemo feels naked around them since he doesn’t have the hard cover like theirs. He imagines himself with his own shell. In fact, he tried on several shells in the market in order to fit in. To have a shell would mean an affinity: a point of similarity in an otherwise strange environment in the ocean. He is obviously different from the turtles. They look at him and scrutinized him: openly staring or secretly curious about him. They do not mean to be mean or rude; yet Nemo can feel a growing dislike of being unique, you know, being a standout weirdo is not fun. Although he is used to creatures’ investigative eyes in the aquarium, he started to resent the feeling of caution as eyes followed him everywhere he go in the vast ocean.

Twenty Four Weeks

Twenty four weeks and four days
You count every hour, night and day
Even when people could not tell
You just know me all too well

You prepared a place where I will lay
You designed me in an intricate way
You breathe life one appointed day
You have heard the prayer that baba say

Soon they will call me baby Mei
As my parents found out today
Vital signs of a healthy girl am I
A miracle that money cannot buy

Heaven rejoice and earth welcome
Angels anticipate of who I will become
Ancient cultures both racing in my blood
In your path, O Ancient of Days, I shall trod

24 Weeks Pregnant

غايب طوشَه

كل فكري إنه كل المكتوب بالكتب "المقدسه" غير قابل للطعن، بس كنت غلطان...
ما بعرف عَمين الحق. هل هو عَلّي عَلَمونا وإلا عَلّي ربّونا؟ مين تلوم لما يكون حاميها حراميها؟ مين تلوم لَمَّا الجميع يعرفوا ويحرفوا؟ مين تلوم لَمَّا الكُل يتعاموا عن الحق؟ مستعدين يكذبوا ويفتروا بس المُهم إنهم يكسبوا المعركه ويثبتوا إنه "الجميع غلط وإحنا الصَّح".
حال ميؤس منه، بس ربك ما حط عقده إلا إلها حلَّال.
قالونا إنه جماعة موسى وجماعة عيسى طَغوا وغَيَّروا كلام الله. جماعة موسى قالوا إنه عازر إبن الله. جماعة عيسى قالوا أكثر من هيك عالله. قالوا إنه عيسى إبن الله وكمان مريم هي تكون مَرَته الله. بهذه الكلمات البسيطة حكونا شو هُمَّ جماعة موسى وعيسى.
ظلّوا يزِنُّوا عروسنا ويحاولوا يسكتوا كل سؤال ممكن نسأله.
وشلك من طول السالفه، كِبِرنا وبدينا نفكِر بكل هالدروس السابقة والحُجَج غير المنطقية. رُحنا سإلنا جماعة عيسى، والِّي هُمّا جيرانا وحبايبنا وما بينَّا وبينهم غير كُل خير. يا جماعة عيسى شو رَدكوا علكام ألّي ينقال عنكوا*؟ ليش زَوَّرتوا الكتاب؟ وكيف تحكوا إنه الله إلُه إبن؟ وليش ما توحدوا الله يا جماعه؟ حَيَّرتونا كثير يا جماعه... شو قصتكوا إنتوا؟

أيش؟ أيش؟ مين حكالك هالحكي؟ صدق كل هالكلام كذب بكذب. مَعاذ الله إحنا نحكي هالحكي عالله. يا أخي، من خِلقت الدنيا وإحنا نوحد الله ونؤمن إنه وحده عنده القدره إنه ينقذنا من هالعالم ومن أنفسنا "لأن النفس أمَّارةٌ بالسوء..." شِكل الِّي حكالك هالحكي عنا "غايب طوشَه" أو أساء الفهم.

أنا آسِف إني سألتك هالسؤال أنا عارف إنهم هُم جماعه ينَزّلوا من قَدر الآخرين حتى إنهم بالمُقابل يرتفعوا. كَذَبوا كِذبه وصدَّقوها.

ولا يهمك، هَذول جماعه مساكين وصدِّق إنَّا إنحبهم وندعيلهم إنه الله يفتِّح عيونهم حتى يشوفوا الحق. الله يصلحهم!

Counting Our Blessings

One by one, we count our blessings
Big and small, wonders they bring
We remember the songs that we sing
in cold winter and awesome spring

For peace that grants sweet sleep
For work where we sow and reap
For security that we inwardly keep
Even for days when we secretly weep

For inspiration that spur and stir
For prayers that He always hear
For daily bread that blissfully fill
Even for clothes in this freezing chill

For caring friends who enrich our lives
For good health that sustains and energize
For vision that makes us kicking and alive
Even for the rocky road and bumpy ride

For a baby that is breathing and growing
For families that give a sense of belonging
For still waters and times of refreshing
Even for fiery purging, waiting and trembling

For a glimmer of hope of what is to come
For faithfulness and compelling love from the Son
Today we count our blessings, one by one
Big and small, the wonders of what God has done

Take The Lead!!

Picture: overlooking from our olives and grapes farm

Uncertainty is something I strongly dislike. I always had a plan and my life is usually scheduled. Just like my fellow citizens, I planned for my retirement even before I had a job. All I dreamt of was a good salary, health insurance, and social security. By the age of 28 I would imagine myself owning a house, car and enough cash to get married and start a family. By the age of 30 I would imagine myself having 2 kids and working hard to give them a better life. The kids go to college and I get ready for retirement. I would see myself almost doing nothing more because I worked enough in the young age. That was the plan if I had been given the lead.

I submitted to the Leader of all leaders, the Almighty One who became the Captain of my life. But learning the lesson is hard and yielding to the new life is time consuming. I still do some things according to the old ways: think and act impulsively based on my worldly conduct. Sometimes the heart is not fully aware of the danger of these ways and it is so deceiving. I think it is easier for me to do things the old ways because it is familiar, comfortable and above all, I have the lead. I have control of the rein. Deep in my heart I know the truth but it takes great faith to depend on someone else to do “my own” things. Deep in my heart I know that He is in control but it is frightening to let go of the rein.

I was given all the time that I needed to be totally free: free from serving my own sinful desires and from the lies of the evil one. The Leader worked in my life and made all things work together for my advantage. He revealed to me that He cares for me. He led me besides the still water and his provision is much more than I expected. He did not only protect me but also showed me favor even in the eyes of my enemy. He made me whole when He put in my heart the desire to do His will. The Leader is opening more doors and soon I believe He is going to use me for His glory.

What more can I ask for! "Take the lead!!! Thank You for each step of Your perfect lead."

Yummy Food: Mansaf

This is an exquisite dish served on special occasions called "Mansaf". It is a layered dish that has bread spread out in the bottom, then rice, topped with goat meat or lamb and sprinkled with peanuts and parsley. Hot yogurt soup (from where the meat is cooked) is poured to the dish as the grand finale.

This one is served with the goat head to very important guests.

It is traditionally served in huge trays where everyone delved their spoons in. Yummy!!!

It Is Time

Picture: This is a date tree photographed near the shore of the Red Sea
It has been 5 months since we arrived in Jordan. The honeymoon stage on the first month had passed and we are now experiencing the reality of settling in the land of my husband’s forefathers. We are home. We experienced kind acceptance by the O. family and clan as well as outright rejection by some friends. We experienced welcome arms as well as indifference. Most important of all, we have had constant streams of visitors. We have ample chance to serve and chat with them. People talk about politics and religion everywhere. Sometimes, I get real nervous when passionate “conversations” occur; It has been a time of treading in the waters.
One of the hurdles that we face was our application for business permit. Dan was given several “interviews” and since he cannot compromise, his application was declined. He felt like Paul, appealing to Rome, insisting on his rights to no avail. It is a humbling experience to feel like a second class citizen. Another concern is the delayed release of my residence visa. Dan was called to ‘report’ again... Morever, we had an emotional blow from another miscarriage; It was a time of suspense and uncertainty.
Our Father opened new avenue for us last month. We found teaching posts respectively. This redirection encourages us. We have some “bread and butter”, which uplifted our inner selves. He calmed our worries and fears, too. We are pressed but not crushed, because we are assured that His eye is on the sparrow and continually experience His watching eyes on us; It is a time of making melodies in our hearts.
The month of Ramadan is over. People in the village showed devotion in prayer and fasting and alms giving. A relatively huge mosque in our small village was officially opened this month. We suspected that our presence seemed to made the villagers cling closer to their traditions and duties. On a larger scale, Jordan is reacting against western (or modern) influence and effectively took a traditional, conservative and religious outlook. I have learned their psyche of shame, denial and blame. It is astoundingly deep. At the same time, pedagogy and child development have a different twist in this part of the world. At least in my area, children are not spanked. They are used to get their own way. I was amazed to see parents or adults give a stick to their kids and fight them roughly. My conservative upbringing made me feel embarrassed (but also proud and pleased) to see that kids are affectionately kissed in public. Something I haven't expected in this culture. In many ways, here is a huge rocky field. Many farmers are downhearted and confused. It is truly a serious time to engage in pleading, crying, fasting and praying.
Today, Dan’s father fell and had a fractured nose. He ages 80++ and is a strong man. This incident frightened the family. It reminded us that life is fragile. Every opportunity counts. As we continually face, question and pursue our ‘uncomfortable’ zone, we know the one who called us is faithful. Friends, it is time to let our light shine so that people may see our good works and glorify our Father.

Love Them

Loving them was the hardest lesson that I ever encountered. They drive me crazy but the Master insisted that I have to love them unconditionally... I tried but it is not working. He looked at me and saw my struggles. I told Him, "What should I do, Master? I am trying but it seems so hard for me to do it myself. Could you help me, please?!" He was surprised by my answer. I think He thinks I am bad (I might be...). It is hard to love, isn't it? I looked into His sad eyes and realized that He still loves me. His smile showed me that He never stopped loving me...but he was mad at me and so sad. He looks disappointed but why?
After my talk to Him, I went home but could not stop thinking of my Master's look. I asked myself, "Why my Master is like this? Why don't He just love His friends? Period. For a while I thought all people are simply doing what I do: love my friends and ignore the rest of the world. But when I went to my bed and before I closed my eyes, a voice was telling me, "Why don't you look to your wife?! She is serving and showing great love to the same people you are having hard time to love. She is not obligated to love your people ( since she is from a different race) but she does. Why do you think she is doing so? (the voice stopped)
Then my eyes opened to see the truth. I went to the mirror to see my face...the true me. I think I know the reason for not being able to love "them"... yes, I think I know it. It is me. It is the past inside me... I need to beg Him to rescue me from me.